Conditions: It was a sunny start to the morning with few clouds and a temperature of 58 degrees.
Only I, Dynamite, posted for the ruck this morning. In light of this, I decided to depart a few minutes early to ruck a longer distance.
“Thang:” I departed from the Shimerville Rd parking lot at 0527 and walked east onto PA Ave. I made a right onto 12th street followed by a left onto Arch St. I trekked through Chestnut Hill Rodale Park to 10th St. I climbed 10th St/South Mountain Dr to the top and descended two houses down to the other side to mailbox number 5032 before the 0600 alarm sounded to turn around and repeat the route back to the ‘Hive’.
I’ve been struggling to pray as of late and really dedicated the time to pray to God. I was reminded that it’s important to pray to Him because it’s how I communicate with Him. Sometimes I struggle with prayer because I make it formal and I know that’s not the point and it’s not required. Prayer isn’t a ritual. It’s a sincere longing and desire to talk to God that is ongoing. I spent time thanking God for His presence in my life and all that he allows and doesn’t allow and expressing my gratitude for contentment. I’ve also been struggling since Thursday night with how I acted out in righteous anger toward my mom for taunting and disrespecting the God I love so dearly, and for believing she can impose her will upon me without even considering to have a conversation and just assuming I should automatically do something because I’m the “responsible one” (her words). I did tell her to “shut-up” and just listen for a second because she has this habit of rudely interrupting me in mid-sentence and I believe it’s disrespectful. I know my approach wasn’t the way Christ would have handled that and that’s where I’m wrong. The conversation escalated and she projected her hurt of my past decisions/failures onto me and said I don’t know what love is and that I’m selfish. I’ve learned this is a manipulative behavior, which I have absolutely no tolerance for, and firmly and abruptly stated I’m ending the conversation and hung up the phone. While on this intimate ruck with God, I prayed for her and her situation because it’s all I can do as a loving son. I can’t meet her expectation the way she wants me to because I still hurt on the inside from the trauma I endured by her actions. I refuse to be guilted into meeting those expectations by her dangling my little brother out in front as bait! That pisses me off! It’s unfair to place him in a position he has no place to be in. I realize this is an unhealthy pattern my mom does and it’s disheartening because she sees it as normal and I understand it’s abnormal. I demonstrate some of those unhealthy patterns, but I recognize them and I actively work to change those. In fact, I’m attending counseling so I can have healthy relationships moving forward. It’s a big step for me. It tears at me because I wish I can do more for my mom, but I know I can’t cross the boundary line and impose control. I can only persuade. It’s the receiver’s responsibility to make that change if he/she sees value in the message being conveyed.
I also prayed for the homeless veteran, Henry, Zena’s M-I-L/F-I-L, my little brother, Mikey, and for myself to continue taking the steps I need to take to bring the hurt I hide into the light to be healed. I realize that I have triggers that make me over vigilant and skeptical of others intentions, more so from women than men. I received two Facebook friend requests from two women who have a mutual friend with me, but I’ve never met them and have simply chosen to ignore the friend requests for now because I’m unsure of their intentions. There is this part of me that stays in self-protection mode. I asked God if I’m being prudent by ignoring the friend requests for now or if I’m being skeptical because of self-protection. I then talked with God and considered that if I accepted the requests without physically meeting them (to determine if they’re “ok”) is it a test of my faith and how much stronger in character He made me to stand firm on my faith/values to resist any ways Satan may prey. I continued to ask God for wisdom to help make prudent and deliberate decisions that will keep me obedient in Him.
I made it back to the ‘Hive’ with four minutes to spare. I covered 3.9 miles in the hour time.